What do I do now?
by Akaina-Skye
Summary: Ed thinks back on the journey he and his brother shared and the people that they met. Now he wonders about what life has to offer him now that his journey is done and the happiness that he doesn't deservce... AlxWinry, RizaxHavoc, RoyxEd


**Disclaimer: **I do not own FMA

**Title: **What do I do now?

**Pair:** AlxWinry, RizaxHavoc, RoyxEd

**Summary: **Ed thinks back on the journey he and his brother shared and the people that they met. Now he wonders about what life has to offer him now that his journey is done.

**Info: **Takes place after the movie. Al has his body, Roy lost his eye and Ed still has his auto mail arm and leg and I made it so that he returned to his home world and stayed there instead of going back. Just FYI!

**Author:** Kumiko-kun

Part 1

You hear everyone saying that the alchemists live for the people; they're heroes of the people, right? Well, I see it very differently than most but maybe that is because I am an alchemist. I've done things that no other human being would think of doing to someone else, making them suffer like I couldn't imagine. I nearly killed my own brother by trying to bring our mother back and ended up putting his soul in a suit of armor just to keep him with me. In return I lost my arm and leg; it was nothing compared the pain that I had caused him. Nothing. At night sometimes, I would cry, thinking of the wrongs that I have committed against him the most. I knew he didn't sleep and that he would hear my cries but the tears wouldn't stop once they began though he said nothing to me about then. He would tell me all the time to worry less about him and more about myself, but how could I, when he ended up that way because of me. His life was the soul reason that I lived back then, the soul purpose of my life was to return him to his proper body. That's what we journeyed for and that's what I risked my life for.

It was too bad that, during that journey, I ruined the lives of many of the people I came into contact with. Is this what they meant by being the hero of the people? To ruin the lives of the people I care about just to get what I want? The memories of the people I have hurt haunt me even to this day. While living in Germany, I was haunted by Maes, the man who died while he was trying to help me and my brother on our journey. He risked his life and paid for it, even though he had a child and a wife at home waiting for him to return. It devastated me to know that we lost a man who was so dear to us. This enraged me and caused my search for the homunculi to continue with a renewed thought. It just made my purpose of finding the philosopher's stone much more meaningful. Along with ruining my brother's and Maes' lives, I ruined the lives of Gracia, Elicia, Mustang, and those that I met in Germany. I ruined so much just for my selfish gain to return things to the way they were.

When I lived in Germany, I met a man named Alphons Heiderich, a boy who looked a lot like how I imagined my brother would look. He had allowed me to live in his home with the woman named Noah that we had met and helped me with whatever I asked. I enjoyed telling him stories of my home world though he always thought that I was joking and just telling him stories to pass the time. It wasn't until they had found the gate that he began to believe me and had gone behind my back like many others to help me return home. He knew how much I missed my home then; he realized the longing I had to see my brother and my friends. Though, he knew I treasured both him and Noah as family, he wanted to see me happy and by returning me to my own world, he hoped that I would be.

It's been two years since I have returned to my own world, two longs years that I got to know just how much I missed when I was in Germany for three years. Al had never stopped looking for me the whole time, though he and Winry did grow to like each other more and more, I had learned. I was happy to see that my sacrifice had gotten my brother his body back and made him happy. It put a smile on my face knowing that, he was enjoying life now in a body that he could call his own. To see Winry and Aunt Pinako happy was great except when Winry saw that I had damaged the prosthetic limbs that my father had made for me in the other world. She had gone on a mission on making new ones for me just as she had done so many times before. She was always happy whenever she got to torture me with pain when connecting the auto mail or just by playing and building auto mail itself. I hope now that this set of auto mail that has already lasted two years stays put, just to give her and Al time to really get to know each other.

I had found a place for myself to live, returning to work for the military but only really in the office setting and only taking missions that were of utmost importance. It was a surprise to my friends when I showed up the first day, getting passed the guards at the door when I showed them the watch that I still had with me. Breda, Fuery and Falman were floored when they saw me at the doorway of the outer office. Hawkeye and Havoc just stared at me. It wasn't until Mustang saw me, that I got a real reaction from anyone. When he exited his office and found me standing in the doorway, I saw something I hadn't seen before. Not only did he have just one eye, though I didn't know the story behind that one at the time, I saw disbelief in that eye. He just stared at me, not really believing that I was before him. After a few minutes of everyone staring at me, it was Mustang that first moved. I wasn't expecting the hug that I received from him. It was surprisingly pleasant, a warm embrace from a man who had made my journey as a child so miserable. With a little hesitation I returned the hug.

Before living in the other world, I guess I didn't realize just how much my home meant to me and the people in it. I was happy to be home in this world of my own, sharing it with the people that I love and care about. Though, now that the mission to get Al's body back is complete, what is it really that I live for? I watched Al and Winry marry after another year of them living together, watched them have a child together. In the same year that Al and Winry had a child, Riza and Havoc got engaged. The entire office was in an uproar when they announced the oncoming of a baby and of the engagement. There was nothing to be sad about, no time to be really depressed. Yet, somehow, I was sad. Even with so much excitement around me, I managed to find time to be sad.

Sitting in my apartment, staring out the large window in my living room, I watched the darkening clouds in the sky float by. In my hand I held a small glass of gin, a drink that I have come to love after many that I have tried. Sighing, I take a sip of the gin before setting the cup down to walk to the bathroom to shower. In truth, I didn't know what was wrong with me. I ended the longest journey of my life and was witnessing my brother and my friends begin another. Perhaps, I needed a new journey, a new beginning of my own to liven up my life. Maybe that is all I really needed. Once in the shower, I could feel the heated water rushing down my back as I leaned against the shower wall beneath the showerhead. I hoped that this shower would relieve some of the stress that I had bottled up for the past few days. After what felt like an hour, I ended my shadow and left the bathroom. With a towel wrapped around my middle I used another to dry my hair as I left the bathroom to go to the kitchen.

Outside the window, I could hear the quiet patter of rain hitting the window. A rainy day to match the dreary mood that I felt, perfect. Turning the water on, I filled the kettle with water for coffee, maybe it would calm me some and hopefully more than the shower did anyway. While the water boiled, I changed into a pair of long pants to rest in before making myself a cup off coffee and sitting on the couch. I warmed my hands up on the outside of the cup, holding it close to my face to smell the aroma of the coffee. With a sigh escaping my lips, I knew there was something that I needed to do; I was getting bored just sitting in the lonely apartment every night just waiting. After taking a sip of my coffee, I sat the cup down, threw on a pair of shoes and shrugged my jacket on before grabbing my keys and leaving the apartment. I didn't really know where I was going but I had to do something rather than wait for something.

The cold air outside hit my face like a quick gust of air, sending a shiver throughout my whole body. I hadn't realized that it would be this cold just in the beginning of spring, though Central didn't always have a stable climate as far as I could tell. With my hands in my pockets, I made my way down the street toward the park, where I spent many nights after work until I got tired or bored. Though, the more I walked the more I found myself walking in a direction away from the park. I didn't really care much where I was going, just hoping that wherever my feet took me, that I would be more entertained than I was at home. When my feet finally stopped, I looked up to realize that I was somewhere where I hadn't been in a long time. Knocking on the door, I doubted that the man would be awake at this time of night but maybe he would be. I waited for a bit with no answer before turning to walk down the steps to return home. My foot hadn't even reached the first step when I heard the door behind me open.

"Walking around this time of night in this type of weather, Fullmetal?" A rich voice said, returning my attention to the doorway.

"Yeah," I reply as I moved back to stand in front of him.

Mustang, the man that owned the house chuckled a bit before offering me to enter his home. As I stepped through the doorway, I thought to myself, maybe tonight wouldn't be so lonely after all.

The inside of his home wasn't like what I remembered it to be, there was a warm file burning in the hearth and a wonderful aroma floating in the air. I was told to sit in the living room while Roy fetched us something warm to drink. Sitting on the couch, I stared at the pictures strewn about the room. There were pictures of the gang at the office when everyone was younger and pictures from the wedding between Al and Winry and the engagement party for Riza and Havoc. In each and every picture that I was in, I was smiling. Now, I don't know if I was smiling then because I was happy or because I was forced to smile. Either way, it doesn't matter now; I am happy for them and will always be. I just wish that I could be happy, too.

"Hey."

Shaking my head I look up to see Roy standing in front of me handing down a mug.

"Spacing out, eh?" He asked after I took the mug from him. "What's on your mind?"

I watched him take a seat beside me on the couch before cradling the cup in my hands closer to me to get the warmth of the liquid.

"Just too much," I said finally after a bit of silence as I stared into the mug of tea. "I don't know what to think anymore."

"Care to elaborate?" Roy asked, taking a sip of the tea

With a wave of silence, I just stared into the tea I was given. I didn't really know what to say to him, should I explain my depression or should I just keep it to myself. He wouldn't really doing anything even if I told him what was wrong, I told myself, taking a sip of the tea.

"You don't come to my house for nothing, Ed," I heard Roy said, now closer to me.

"Al got his body back." I said, not looking up from the tea. "Winry got married to him and they had a child. They are happy together."

"Yes, I supposed they are," he replied from my left. "It's been awhile since we've seen them."

"I don't get it," I mumbled, taking one hand from the mug to rub my face. "What is there to be sad about? Why am I so depressed?"

Now it was Roy's turn to have nothing to say.

"Thanks for the tea," I said, draining the mug of what was inside before placing it on the table in front me. "Sorry to have bothered you tonight." Stepping around the coffee table, I made my way toward the door where I knelt down to slip on my shoes. It wasn't until I felt two arms around me that I stopped my ministrations.

"What's wrong?" I heard him say, tightening his grip.

Why hadn't I heard him move? When did get so close to me? My head fell in front of me and the tears fell. I didn't know why I was crying, I just couldn't hold back anymore. The happiness that everyone held so tightly in their hearts and the thoughts that they had it all plagued my mind. I could feel the pain returning and Roy's arms tightening around me as the silent sobs wrecked my body.

"There isn't anything left for me," I cried through my tears. "I was successful in my one goal in life; it was the only thing that I strived for. I succeeded in getting Al his body back and now what?"

"There's always more, Ed," Roy said, relaxing his grip a bit to put his legs beside me on the small step before holding me tight again. "The journey is never really over."

I was surprised by everything. Roy's hugs, his embraces always caught me off guard and his gentle words flowed into my brain, calming me slightly. Leaning back, I couldn't help but spill more tears.

"It's over," I whispered. "Al has his body and his life is everything he ever wanted."

"No, it's not." He turned me around now so that I was facing him. "Do you think he'd want his brother to be sad? He wants you to find your happiness, too, Ed. Trust me."

"Roy…" I hung my head, knowing full well that he was right. "What should I do?" I knew I looked pathetic right now but what else could I do. He wanted me to pour my heart out to him, so that's what I was trying to do. My voice cracked when I tried to talk through the tears that had already slid down my face and more threatened to do so. "Why do I deserve to be happy? I have caused so much pain for so many people? I robbed Al of his childhood. I took Hughes away from Gracia and Elysia. My father is now gone because of me and I don't even know what happened to Alphons and Noah! I made your life a living hell the entire time that I have been in the military and now… now I am…"

"Shut up."

I stopped and stared at him through watery eyes.

"You didn't rob Al of his childhood; he spent his entire life with you on journeys. He has never once said that you stole that from him and he has never blamed you for anything. Hughes died trying to help you guys," Roy said, though I could see sadness in his eyes at the mention of Hughes. "I don't know what happened to your father or your friends from Germany but, Ed; you haven't done anything that you deserve to be sad over. All my life, I looked for the promotions to get to the top and it was my own fault that you and I didn't get along. I egged you on half the time with the short jokes and poking and prodding."

"But…"

"I'm not done yet, Ed." He continued, keeping me from saying anything. "I would go back, if I could and have kept my mouth shut at the mention of your joining the military if I had known what it would do to you. You didn't deserve to be a military dog at such a young age and you don't deserve it, even now. I'm sorry, Ed, for doing this to you. You grew up too fast and with so many consequences that you didn't deserve. Please know that there isn't anything that I wouldn't do to help you."

"No…" I could feel my heart racing as the word left my lips. His hands tightened their grip on my arms as I lifted my head to look up at him. "I don't think that I can accept an offer like that. What would I do with an offer like that? Anything, Roy? I can't ask for anything anymore."

"When was the last time that you worried about yourself," the dark-haired man questioned, looking in the large golden orbs. "C'mon."

Roy stood and pulled the younger man to his feet. Without any resistance from Ed, he intertwined their fingers together before walking down the road.

I stared at our hands, the fingers roped together comfortably. _No, _he thought to himself, _there isn't anything between us. I can't ask for anything for myself. _My feet stumbled a bit while I tried to keep up with the taller man's strides. Without any thought to where we were going, I followed. I didn't know what exactly I was getting myself into but I just followed.

To the end of the world, I'd follow him.

TBC….

**AN: **Well, another story. I started this one actually in 2009 and now I am continuing it. Hopefully it gets good reviews! :D Let me know what you think!


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